Everybody knows that Hollywood has go fairy - tale crazy . There are dueling Snow White movies and competing Beauty and the Beast shows , plus a short ton of others . But eventually , they ’re go to run out of Disney - approved cock-and-bull story , and they ’re going to have to dig into … the uncanny stuff . You know , the ones where young female child get their handwriting chopped off and tons of precious animals kill each other . And we ca n’t hold off .
We ’ve assembled a list of 10 completely batshit mad fairytales that we ’d love to see Hollywood fishing rig .
Top simulacrum : Kate Eagle Art
This is the one we thought of immediately — the quintessentially weird and disturbing Grimm Brothers storey . essentially , there ’s a mouse and a fowl living with a sausage , and they ’re all happy together , because they ’ve control division of parturiency . Every day , the bird flies into the forest to fetch firewood , while the computer mouse carries water , makes the fire and place the table . Meanwhile , the sausage balloon “ cook ” dinner by slithering around in the goat god to get the vegetables and lug all salty and greasy .
But one 24-hour interval , the bird decides he ’s been doing too much work and it ’s clock time for a change — so the blimp has to go fetch firewood while the mouse tries to rove around in the pot to get everything tasty and greasy . It all goes awfully faulty , because a cad seizes the sausage and accuses her ( the sausage ) of having forge document . What kind of document does a blimp carry , and why would they be counterfeit ? We never find out . Meanwhile , the black eye roll around in a frying genus Pan works about as well as you ’d mean . And the bird winds up catch the house on fire , and swim when he stress to get water supply . ( The whole matter is illustratedhere . )
How to make it more movie favorable : Reinvent it as a love trilateral , in which the sausage and the bird both judge to try their passion for the mouse , who wallow around in some blistering vegetables . Mia Wasikowska dally the mouse .
A woman gives nascence to a human / hedgehog hybrid , who plays the bagpipe and rides around on a chicken . After Hans rescue a king who ’s turn a loss in the forest , the Martin Luther King Jr. promises him the first thing he sees when they return to his kingdom as thanks ( which change by reversal out to be his girl ) , but cons him out of their deal by taking advantage of his illiteracy . Hans later manages to rescue a 2d king , who lay down the exact same sight .
When Hans render to arrogate the first king ’s daughter , she refuses him — so he denudate her bare and dig her repeatedly with his quills , Ted Bundy - vogue . He then marries the second king ’s girl and spill
his hedgehog skin , transform into a handsome humanity .
How to make it more moving picture friendly : twist it into a buffoonish romanticist comedy about a were - hedgehog who shoots out quills when he find too mad . Teresa Palmer is the only girl who can handle his barbellate spikiness . ikon viaFairy Tale Channel
A widower remarry , but the new wife hates the son he had with his first wife , and want their girl to be the sole heir . One daylight , she offers the boy an Malus pumila from inside a breast . And when he reaches in , she
slams the hat , chopping off his headspring . To obliterate her crime , she reattaches the head with a scarf . ( You have to have it away the Rube Goldberg approach to crime in these fib . ) finally , though , the cleaning lady ’s girl unexpectedly knocks the boy ’s head off and believes she ’s killed him herself . Not to occupy , though — the char and her girl slue the boy up and put him in the stew , so his dad eats him . But the boy is reincarnated as a snort , who drops a jumbo stone on his stepmom , killing her and turning him back into a boy .
How to make it more motion picture friendly : Kristen Stewart is in love with her step - sidekick , and pass several scenes monologuing to him about her touch sensation , without find that his mind is only bond by a scarf joint . When she knocks his header off , cue a collage of her convey his mind on a long mopey motorcycle ride . Image byNatalia Pierandrei / Etsy
A widowed king falls in love with his own baby . To try and get out of this wedding , though , the sister chops off her own hands . Like you do . This spend a penny off her brother the king , so he has her locked in a chest and tossed in the sea . Penta gets rescued by a fisher , but his jealous wife makes him throw her back .
Eventually , a different king hold open Penta , and they marry and have a baby . But the kid is born while the king is aside , and Penta ’s missive to her husband is bug by the fisher ’s married woman . who then modify it to register that Penta gave birth to a puppy . The king decide this must be God ’s will , and he ’s okay with it . But the evil woman writes to the king ’s council telling them to fire Penta and the baby alive . The king discovers the fisherman ’s wife ’s treachery , and has her burned or else .
How to make it more movie well-disposed : Focus on the 2d king , who thinks that it ’s plausibly okay that his handless wife gave birth to a puppy . Maybe he ’s a werewolf , and is secretly glad to have a canine materialisation ? Or perchance he ’s just one of those tardily - go dude who back whatever . Logan Lerman could take on the second king . ikon byLiza Corbett , viaFairy Tale Mood
A misfortunate miller score a deal with the Devil : the Arthur Miller will get massive amounts of wealth in interchange for whatever ’s standing behind his mill , which the miller believes to be an old Malus pumila tree . He goes home to feel that the Devil in reality mean his girl , who was out sweep behind the James Mill at the time .
Three days later , the Devil recall for the girl , but she cleans herself with water supply and is too consummate for him to extend to . The father keep on her aside from water so she ca n’t strip herself , but she cries so much that her hands are clean from her tears . This keeps the devil aside once more , so the Devil orders her father to cut her hired man off , so he can take her . The Henry Valentine Miller follow — but the girl hollo onto her ambo so much , they ’re still too clean for the Devil . Finally , the Devil have her go .
The girl wanders off , so that her family does n’t have to take care of her , and happens upon a castle . The king sees her eating fruit in his garden with an angel , and decides to tie her . He even has silver mitt made to exchange the flesh single she is missing . While he is away in struggle , his new wife has a nestling . The Devil intercepts letters between the King and his female parent , making the king retrieve his unexampled babe is a changeling . The Devil also sends letters to the King ’s mother , order her to pour down the Queen and the babe . Rather than kill them , the mother send them away , and they populate in a house in the woods for seven years . God has seen how pious the woman has been , and causes her hand to develop back . finally , the King returns from the battlefield and tracks down his wife and son .
How to make it more movie friendly : Here ’s another crazy manus - amputation romanticism — but this one is made for Tim Burton . Johnny Depp could play the King . Image byY Incision / Deviant Art
Basically atouching romantic zombi story . A mother dies in childbirth , and her husband despairs over how to take care of the infant . So he hires an erstwhile lady to take maintenance of it . During the twenty-four hours , the babe wo n’t eat and cries constantly , but at dark , it kip peacefully . Every nighttime , the household hears someone afford the door to the baby ’s room .
Determined to find out who ’s suckling the baby , they determine one Nox to shine a light on the orphic intruder , who ’s come in to call in the baby after dark . It flex out that the dead female parent has been the one caring for the child . She ’s even still wearing the clothes she was buried in . Once she ’s discover , the dead fair sex pull up stakes the room without a word , and when everyone went to check on the baby , it ’s dead , too .
How to make it more film well-disposed : sour it into a “ found footage ” movie in which zombies are running a 24-hour interval care centre . At night . For some reason . It ’ll be awe-inspiring . Image by A. Alexeieff , via50 Watts
A hapless previous womanis preparation beans for dinner , when one bean falls to the ground . A piece of straw is laying on the land as well , having fallen out of the woman ’s hand when she used a handful of straw to light up her cooking fire . A burning ember leaps down from the attack , and the three decide they should be companions , since they ’ve all had just escaped sure death . They make up one’s mind to leave the house .
On their journey to new and exciting lands , they come to a creek . The shuck lays itself across the bank of the brook , so the other two can take the air across . The burning coal goes first , but she catches the piece of stalk on fervor , and they both topple to their dying in the flow . The bean express mirth and laughs , until she splits in half . Luckily , a tailor finds the bean and stitch her back together . The noggin is fine .
How to make it more movie friendly : unbalanced route - trip motion picture . Emma Stone is a burn coal , full of char irony and smouldering glimpse . That guy wire from the Footloose remake is the chaff who on the Q.T. has a affair for her . McLovin can be the bean .
Three traveling surgeons endeavor to impress an innkeeper by performing operation on themselves . Like you do . One chops off his helping hand , one removes his eyes and one cuts out his heart and they stack away the body parts in a closet to put back in the morning . During the night , a girl work on at the inn opens the closet to get dinner for her boyfriend — and a computed tomography snitch in and eat the sawbones ’ spare region .
When the girl realizes what ’s happened , she and her fellow supplant the neglect region with the eyes of the computed tomography , the heart of a squealer and the bridge player of a thief who ’s hang from the gallows . When the surgeons reattach their organ in the morning , they realise they ’ve been tricked as one can not see , one require to roll in the mud , and the last can not keep from steal . They threaten to sunburn down the hostelry if their proper part are not recall , but the innkeeper can only give them money so they can move back from surgeoning .
How to make it more movie well-disposed : Give it to David Cronenberg , essentially . It ’s like Hands of Orlac and Splice and a bunch of other things rolled into one crazy disturbing package . The innkeeper ’s fellow discovers that he can only get sexually call down by turn over around in a tub full of eel .
Short interlingual rendition : a demon pays a hombre not to bath for seven year . Oh , and he also ca n’t turn off his fingernails or hair , and he has to wear a sick cloak and immature coat , and kip in a bearskin . But he get unlimited money , and at the ending of the seven years , he ’ll be fat . But if he accidentally bathe , the Devil receive his soul . Now known as Bearskin , the guy helps out a man who ca n’t yield to make up his hotel bill , and the human race offers Bearskin one of his daughters . The two senior daughters refuse , but the untried accepts , and have half a annulus in return .
Bearskin says he ’ll return in three yr . When he does render , he ’s big and all cleaned up , because his seven year of fugliness are over . The two older daughters both require to marry him , but he reveals that he ’s already promised to the immature girl . The two older girl wind up hanging and drowning themselves , and the Devil tells Bearskin that he ’s gotten two souls , instead of just Bearskin ’s one .
How to make it more motion-picture show favorable : This is the Alex Pettyfer comeback fomite waiting to happen . Most of the action take on place in a Brooklyn bicycle fund , where the three sisters hang out and eat topically sourced Medicago sativa sprout .
And finally , one of those stories where there ’s just endless death and mayhem , and none of it really makes much sense . There ’s a hen and a rooster , move around around together , and they agree to share whatever they get . But the hen feel a all awesome nut , and make up one’s mind to keep it for herself — but she choke on it . The cock madly course to get water for her , so she can fend off strangle to death . The rooster runs to the well to get piss , but the well demands that he go and receive a bride , and get some red silk from her . ( Why does the well require red silk ? Um … rationality . )
But the Brigid wo n’t give the rooster any crimson silk until he helps her find her embryonic membrane . By the time the cock find the Saint Brigid ’s head covering and then capture the ruby-red silk to the well , the hen has already choked to end . The rooster is so upset at the hen ’s death , his battle cry institute a bunch of other animals . Six mice build up a funeral carriage for the hen . Other fauna , let in a George Fox , a bear , an European elk and a Leo , all join the funeral procession .
Until they descend to — wait for it — a brook . Once again , there ’s a helpful piece of straw , that offer to help as a nosepiece across the watercourse . This get about as well as that variety of thing ever does — the mice fall in the brook and drown . Then a burning ember comes and offers to consist in the stream to serve as a kind of bridge — but the coal locomote out and also exit . Finally , a stone comes and offers to be a bridge circuit — this works out better , but the cock ca n’t pull the carriage , which is full of all the other animals . The carriage falls back into the water , and all the other animal drown and die . Eventually , the cock give way of grief . Everybody is bushed . The End .
How to make it more movie friendly : George Clooney is the rooster , in one of those “ only Clooney could make it work ” roles where he ’s just a crazy - piece of ass female parent who observe on endeavor to do what he thinks is right , even as he get more and more grief pile on him . double viaFairy Tale Bedtime
extra reporting by Gordon M. Jackson and Jennifer Griffith .
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